Why It Doesn’t Matter What Religion You Are

A slightly sarcastic piece of humor taking a look at exclusivism in many of today’s modern religions.


If there is one thing that most of the world’s religions have in common with most major corporations these days (besides money, that is) it is that they only want you to use their product.


You can only get a piece of real estate in Heaven if you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior. Or was that only if you accept Mohammed as the final prophet and messenger? Judaism also has its own requirements.

The other thing most major world religions have in common with each other is that if you go to Heaven in one religion, you are going to Hell in the other religions.

Hinduism, on the other hand, doesn’t exactly see things that way. The Hindus see things much the same as I do. The Gods have the best carrier service in any universe.

Not like here on Earth, where I can’t send a letter to Donald Trump begging him to change his platform from racism and exclusivism to environmental awareness and equality by addressing the letter to my neighbor.

The Gods, on the other hand. Well, they have excellent carrier service. The way I see it, there is one Source. One, ultimate source that is not one entity, and in fact not even definable by the term entity. Although maybe I’m wrong. We are, after all, just a bunch of gerbils trying to figure out which is a food pellet and which is our dung.

This is completely figuratively speaking, but I am sure you have gotten the jist that this post is laden with a different kind of humor. A kind of humor that I really haven’t used on this site before.

I could send my letter to Loki, I could send my letter Kim Kardashian (I am talking prayers, not actual letters) and it wouldn’t really matter. The letter will be received.

I will say it this way. Be Christian. Jesus was a cool dude. In fact, if you wanted to make a Gospel of Jesus, I would love it. It would be short, have you ever realized that? Take the Bible, and all of those words in red that are attributed to Jesus, and keep only them. You’ve got, what? Two pages? Two pages max of his teachings.

Two pages of teachings that even Buddha wouldn’t find problematic. Teachings that gay men and women would be able to follow without the fear of hellfire. Teachings that can be taken as essentially universal.

That is the point of religion. It is a tool. It is a sacred part of Klana Sapyana, our human race.  But it doesn’t matter which one you follow, it doesn’t matter who you pray to.

The Christian God is a loving, merciful God. Yet, he apparently has no problems with gambling, despite apparently being against it.

“You all must follow the one, true way!” says God. “Follow this one true way or suffer eternal fire!”

Yet, this loving God thrusts you into this ultimatum without actually telling you which way is the one true way. There are countless ways to choose from!

Choose carefully, however, because the loving Christian God will throw you into an eternal prison of torment if you choose wrong.

If you are having trouble choosing, I understand. I don’t eat at Subway, but I have had the Subway experience. So many choices, so many people waiting impatiently in line behind you wanting to take your nervous, hungry place.

If this is you, I have made a simple method of “divining” the one true way. It has about as much chance of saving your eternal soul as following the religion that your parents gave you. So why not give it a try?

All you need is one d6. One six sided die. Roll that thing!

Then, compare your result with the table to find out what the one true religion is!

  1. Judaism
  2. Protestant Christianity
  3. Islam
  4. Catholic Christianty
  5. Amish Christianity
  6. Satanism

3 thoughts on “Why It Doesn’t Matter What Religion You Are

  1. Reblogged this on Sayari Stories and commented:

    If there is one thing that most of the world’s religions have in common with most major corporations these days (besides money, that is) it is that they only want you to use their product.


    1. Atheism lacks a certain… Aesthetic, I guess. I’m philosophically minded, not scientifically mind. Well, at least my passion isn’t based in science but rather philosophy. I’d rather my scientists be atheists, and my philosophers be… well, whatever a good, neutral word for non-atheist would be.


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